Lately I’ve been on an incredibly interesting journey, both in my head and in my life. During my marriage I developed a way of operating that was functional but not much fun. I did all that was required of me (and a lot more) and I most certainly must’ve looked the part but I wasn’t engaged, wholly, not in my heart, or at least, not for a long, long time. Not that Mike and I fought, we usually got on well, but there was a limit to our interaction… like a line drawn we could both see but never discussed.
In past weeks I’ve “met” a range of very interesting people and formed incredible bonds with a good couple of them. The bonds were forged almost instantaneously and thoroughly, if I can put it like that; the result being an ability to talk to these certain people (and be spoken back to by them) in a curiously, thoroughly intimate way. In a way I never spoke to my husband in all the eleven years I’ve been married to him. And I’m not necessarily talking about sex here. I’m talking about me having opened myself up to any possibilities: be they discussions, ideas, approaches, thoughts, wants, needs, knowledge, ignorance… just anything. I’m open to it all. I’m not closing any doors, I’m not avoiding, forbidding (mentally or vocally) any paths I or anyone else might want to walk down. I feel almost as if I’m walking through a jungle, say, and someone just says oh, what’s down here? and I say, I dunno but let’s go check. And we go check. And it’s fun. We laugh, a lot. I woke myself up, laughing, last night.
The results of this …. what can I call it… this… unencumbered approach have been astonishing in that I find myself very very happy, most of the time. I’m energised, I’m alive, I feel like I’m bubbling over with interest in everything around me. My dreams are vivid, bold swathes of colour, form, the stories springing fully made, into my sub-conscious mind…
My pre-dawn walks on the beach with my sister and the dogs are also amazing! I mean I thought it’d be a schlepp, when we undertook to do them; I thought I’d battle to get up, battle with the cold, feel the whole thing was a drag but when you walk outdoors and see the blue velvet sky and the cold remote stars, and there’s hardly a soul in the streets but you, you feel like you’re really walking IN life. Not past it.
Incredible journey. Really amazingly incredible.
For all of you who are making it so beautiful for me – you all know who you are – thank you so very much. This is really amazing!
And here’s my latest obsession. Axl Rose. Another red head!!